Thursday, August 6, 2015
All my life, I thought I could operate under my own code of morals and ideals. It was no different than most, I supposed. The cop who has to shoot someone in self-defense. The soldiers that go to war and raid villages in the name of freedom. Everyone makes excuses for what they do, because they believe in it. Because they believe they are in the right.
I had always thought of myself as a somewhat civilized, almost classy, narco. I at least wanted to bring purpose and grace to what I did. I didn’t believe in killing mercilessly. I believed in mercy, in forgiveness, in giving people second chances. I believed in letting people go after I got what I wanted from them.
I believed that to snitch was an outrage, that even though we were dealing and fighting and killing to be in a billion dollar industry. I believed that religious celebrations were to be respected. I believed that family came first. I believed that women and children would not be harmed.
For a moment, I thought that perhaps I had lost my mind. Never mind the needless, senseless deaths that were already at my hands over the last few months. Never mind that I had broken promises to others, to myself. Dirty, filthy promises. It was then and only then that I knew I had lost who I was.
That every moral fibre that I based myself on was threadbare and I was close, oh so close, to losing all sense of myself forever.
It scared me. I watched Luisa leave the room and though I was reeling from her own words, the callous ones that reached deep inside me and left a scar, I knew I might have damaged her beyond repair. I could heal myself in time, but could she? Would we?
I didn’t think so.
Karina Halle is a former travel writer and music journalist and The New York Times, Wall Street Journal and USA Today Bestselling author of Where Sea Meets Sky, Racing the Sun, The Pact, Love, in English, The Artists Trilogy, Dirty Angels and over 20 other wild and romantic reads.
She lives on an island off the coast of British Columbia with her husband and her rescue pup, where she drinks a lot of wine, hikes a lot of trails and devours a lot of books.
She lives on an island off the coast of British Columbia with her husband and her rescue pup, where she drinks a lot of wine, hikes a lot of trails and devours a lot of books.
